Today marks one year since my Gamma passed away. And while my heart seems to have mended a bit, it's still broken. Something is still missing. I think the hardest part of today is realizing that it's been a year since I've heard her voice, seen her, hugged her, and told her I love her. Most everyone in life deals with loss and most lose a grandparent. But for us, her biased family, she was the best, the world's greatest, and the world is just not the same without her.
I think about her everyday. I dream about her, dreams that I hope to be recurring because seeing her and hearing her voice is so comforting. I don't want to forget her. I don't want my life to be anything less because she is not here. We are her legacy. I want to live a better life because of her, how she lived, who she was, and what she taught me.
She's everywhere. She's at the checkout lane at Publix or at a convenience store when I see a Dove candy bar (but telling myself "no" for my wedding dress's sake). She's on my wedding guest list because the simple act of hitting the delete key until her name and address are gone from the screen is too hard for me to do. (So, her name remains at line 4.) She's at the Cracker Barrel on New Year's because I need to eat my greens for prosperity and black-eyed peas for luck like I did at her house so many times. And as I pay at the cashier at the Country Store, I check the glass jars behind the register in hopes that they have re-stocked Haribo peaches to buy like we used to when I was a kid. She's in every flower I see, including the violets in my kitchen and the hibiscus tree at my front door that were once hers. She's missed at every single "party" and holiday because family and celebrations were always her priority. Because of her, I check every single one dollar bill to see if the serial number starts with the letter "F." Every passing Lincoln Town Car is a memory. Every Alan Jackson song is a smile. Every home-cooked meal just isn't as good as Gamma's. The list continues... She's still with me, and I'm thankful for that.
Today I celebrate life, life's beginning and life eternal. Twenty one years ago today, Baby Karen was born, Gamma's fifth and final granddaughter/grandchild, my first cousin. For twenty years, today was about her, celebrating her, and the joy she brings to our family. That will never change; today is her day. Her twentieth birthday was overshadowed with Gamma's passing and the heartbreaking thought of life continuing without her. Having made it a year, I see the beauty in what this day means to our family; April 28th is a day that we will forever celebrate LIFE. "From life's first cry to final breath.." Two amazing people. One day. Two celebrations. Karen's birthday and Gamma's homecoming. Life and eternal life. What a meaningful day!
When I think back to a year ago, I cannot help but praise the Lord for having His hand on Gamma and on her family in her final moments. She was where she needed to be. We were where we needed to be. In her last week, she saw all of her girls. She knew it was okay to let go and be healed. And as someone who loves her unconditionally, that brings me such comfort, knowing the peace she had that morning.
This year was a hard year. Moving, job stresses, Jetty East, all the "firsts." And with my wedding less than two months away, I do not foresee this season of my life being any easier as time goes on. But, one thing is certain, she'll never be far from my mind and my memory, she's here.
It's been a year, Gamma, and we miss you more with each passing day. But, I know you are proud of each and every one of us, especially Mom and Debbie. I love you!
Now, I think I will go make me a margarita and toast to Kiwi (on her 21st "legal" birthday :)) and to Gamma.
Haley
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