This is only my third post in a year and a half. Even with all that has happened in the past year and a half, Gamma seems to be the only subject worth sharing with the world. Something tugs at my heart on significant days to blog about her. I guess it is my hope that the fluidity of putting words on a screen is a way to show and share that she continues to live and leaves a beautiful legacy in the shadow of her death.
Today is Gamma's 87th birthday. It's her second birthday here without her, and it's hard for me to believe that she's been gone that long.
As she turns 87, I can only think fondly on the past year. She is such a big part of our lives still and never far from our minds. We know the answers to the following questions but oh how I wish she were here to share these moments with us.
Would she roll her eyes at the thought of being 87? We would tell her she looked good for 87 and she would wholeheartedly agree!
What would she have said to me the moment she saw me in my wedding dress? Would she have loved my flowers as much as I did? Would it have meant as much to her as it did to me to wear her jewelry on my special day?
How honored would she have been to know that her second great-granddaughter is to be named after her? Would she have cried when Kellee and Brandon told her about Payson Lowery? I can hear her now telling people, "I have two daughters, five granddaughters, and two great-granddaughters! NO BOYS!" It makes me grin.
Could she love Tynlee any more than we do? What would she say to her or what noises would she make for Tynlee to giggle that precious giggle? What would Gamma say when Tynlee told her "no?" :) Oh to see those two together again!
What would she say about Karen's nose and Jessica's ear and Kristy's tattoo? She might not outwardly approve but we could never make her any less proud of us!
Would she love the renovations at the beach? How would she have handled Larry the Cabinet Guy?
How many extra "happys" would she slip Brady, thinking I would never know?
Could she even believe that Mississippi State was the number one team in college football? How excited would she be for her home state of Mississippi? Would she ring that cowbell proud? Who would she cheer for if FSU and State make it to a playoff or the championship game?
Would she smile knowing that her hibiscus is blooming in my garage with it being 48* outside as sure as I am sitting here typing this right now? Would she take any credit?
Would she love knowing Kristy made her vegetable soup last week? Or that one of us went to Sams and bought toilet paper in bulk today and thought of her? Would she laugh knowing we think of her when we floss?
I hope there is not a year in my lifetime that today's date is overlooked on the calendar. I hope it is a day I celebrate with my kids, with a special treat after school or a beloved dessert. We are all here because of her, we are all who we are because of her, and for generations we will carry a piece of her with us. I hope November 3rd is day that we continue to celebrate her, thanking the Lord that she was ours, even if only for a short time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GAMMA. Today I celebrate you with some bubbly and banana pudding!
I love you, always and forever. You are missed so very much.
Haley Benson (would she think that sounded funny?)
Today marks one year since my Gamma passed away. And while my heart seems to have mended a bit, it's still broken. Something is still missing. I think the hardest part of today is realizing that it's been a year since I've heard her voice, seen her, hugged her, and told her I love her. Most everyone in life deals with loss and most lose a grandparent. But for us, her biased family, she was the best, the world's greatest, and the world is just not the same without her.
I think about her everyday. I dream about her, dreams that I hope to be recurring because seeing her and hearing her voice is so comforting. I don't want to forget her. I don't want my life to be anything less because she is not here. We are her legacy. I want to live a better life because of her, how she lived, who she was, and what she taught me.
She's everywhere. She's at the checkout lane at Publix or at a convenience store when I see a Dove candy bar (but telling myself "no" for my wedding dress's sake). She's on my wedding guest list because the simple act of hitting the delete key until her name and address are gone from the screen is too hard for me to do. (So, her name remains at line 4.) She's at the Cracker Barrel on New Year's because I need to eat my greens for prosperity and black-eyed peas for luck like I did at her house so many times. And as I pay at the cashier at the Country Store, I check the glass jars behind the register in hopes that they have re-stocked Haribo peaches to buy like we used to when I was a kid. She's in every flower I see, including the violets in my kitchen and the hibiscus tree at my front door that were once hers. She's missed at every single "party" and holiday because family and celebrations were always her priority. Because of her, I check every single one dollar bill to see if the serial number starts with the letter "F." Every passing Lincoln Town Car is a memory. Every Alan Jackson song is a smile. Every home-cooked meal just isn't as good as Gamma's. The list continues... She's still with me, and I'm thankful for that.
Today I celebrate life, life's beginning and life eternal. Twenty one years ago today, Baby Karen was born, Gamma's fifth and final granddaughter/grandchild, my first cousin. For twenty years, today was about her, celebrating her, and the joy she brings to our family. That will never change; today is her day. Her twentieth birthday was overshadowed with Gamma's passing and the heartbreaking thought of life continuing without her. Having made it a year, I see the beauty in what this day means to our family; April 28th is a day that we will forever celebrate LIFE. "From life's first cry to final breath.." Two amazing people. One day. Two celebrations. Karen's birthday and Gamma's homecoming. Life and eternal life. What a meaningful day!
When I think back to a year ago, I cannot help but praise the Lord for having His hand on Gamma and on her family in her final moments. She was where she needed to be. We were where we needed to be. In her last week, she saw all of her girls. She knew it was okay to let go and be healed. And as someone who loves her unconditionally, that brings me such comfort, knowing the peace she had that morning.
This year was a hard year. Moving, job stresses, Jetty East, all the "firsts." And with my wedding less than two months away, I do not foresee this season of my life being any easier as time goes on. But, one thing is certain, she'll never be far from my mind and my memory, she's here.
It's been a year, Gamma, and we miss you more with each passing day. But, I know you are proud of each and every one of us, especially Mom and Debbie. I love you!
Now, I think I will go make me a margarita and toast to Kiwi (on her 21st "legal" birthday :)) and to Gamma.
Haley
